Watching him on stage this last week performing in Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat I saw an exuberance of confidence that has only come about in recent months and through careful nurturing at both home and school. I cannot pay enough compliments to Bruce Douglas and his staff at Staverton who took a risk with a child who dearly wanted to be with other children but could not initially emotionally cope. I have seen him go off to stay with friends for nights and ultimately with the school on residential, neither of which ever looked likely a couple of years ago. He has moved from a non league player to a champions league winner and he has made me so totally and utterly proud to be his father. He has also done this against the backdrop of watching me go through tremendous bouts of illness and seen me in terrible pain at times, both emotionally and physically.
Yet it is not just my youngest son who makes me proud. All my children make me feel the same way. My eldest son about to make me a Grandad and training to be a Tree Surgeon, my next eldest son being able to take his Masters in Engineering because of his exams results whilst disappearing on sorties around the world, my daughter about to finish her year placement in PR at the BBC in London before completing her degree next year and my youngest, eldest, child, my third son, getting fantastic results allowing him to start his BSc. in Computer Science this year. They are all amazing and have all succeeded in their own way.
As I reflect upon my life I look back and think would I have done somethings different. Of course I would that is he nature of hindsight however when it comes to looking at the incredible children that are before me now I wonder would doing things different have made them even more incredible? I have deep moments of regret of a few things in my life but I will never regret supporting my children to be who thy wanted to be, after all that is the role of a parent. The challenge I faced however was that my parents did not give me a role model to look up to so I had no idea what I was doing. An alcoholic father and a drug addicted depressed mother left me much to my own devices and even through the adversity of not knowing what to do there seems to be an invisible hand that has guided me. I can't put my finger on it but I always seem to have known what the right move for the children was. Unfortunately that has meant sacrifices for me including friendships and lovers and I indeed have regret in this part of my life. There are things I would have and should have done differently and even now I hope that there is some way of building bridges with some who have burned brightly but fleetingly at times in my life.
As a Psychologist it is a professional duty to reflect upon one's work and this can be quite painful. The honesty that stands before you when it is just you and the mirror can be acidic to the soul. But that cleansing process allows me to keep going. It allows me the ability to continue to fight for what I believe in and it allows me to continue the battle against my physical challenges.A couple of years ago I never dreamed that I would be writing this today. I was scared, felt very alone and did not see any sort of future for me. I believe that by helping my children they have in turn helped me. They have shown me the way back from the abyss. I am now displaying confidence rather than the youthful arrogance that I once oozed from my every pore. I now have faith that anything is possible given the right support. I have love to give with abundance and I hope that it will be drunk from my well.
And as I listen to my young son laughing with his friends in the lounge as I write this whilst waiting for the roast dinner to cook I have hope. I have hope in the future and I have absolute faith that everything I wish for will come true. And to those of you reading this today I wish nothing less than the very best for you. May you live your life in peace and happiness, may you be with the people you wish to be with and may you feel the love that you desire.
And if you're not quite there yet, well drop me a line and let me see if I can help you on your onward travel. We are all part of the same family and I will never turn you away. My heart and my ears are open and if I can help then I will
Live with passion, Peace and Happiness!
